After a phone call with the amazing D (that was rather intense for me), I am posting my letter to The Pig Whore, Laurel Pickunas, in it's entirety.
Read it if you what to know exactly why I hate her. It's very personal but I wanted to make my position very clear. When I first sent it to her she read it, burned it, and refused to respect my request.

( Dear Laurel, )

I don't miss him because of what he did. He was going to try and stay with me which would be forcing me to deal with his new disinterest in sex. At least when I hated sex after the mushroom trip I told him how to fix it. There's no fixing sex after you try it on e!!! He ruined my record as his best ever- on drugs and sober. I want to yell at him. I want to hit him. I knew he had cheated the second I got to his room to break up with him and he wasn't there. I just didn't bother pushing it because what's the point of getting so upset just to break it off? But he's texting me all like "What did I do?"

What did he do? We both saw that the relationship was over. I had a spine and I cared about him. I broke up with him before I could do something that would really hurt him. He took the cowards way out like the fucking pansy ass coward he was when he couldn't tell Laurel it was wrong for her to come to a party at the house!

He was going to break me. He saw how Fuji broke me and didn't care because he loved Fuji. He just loved my vagina more. He can't even say this isn't about sex because most of the time when he'd get upset it was because I wasn't in the mood and he didn't feel like asking. He thinks he shouldn't have to ask because we're dating but seriously. I think about every step I make. I'm not just going to start kissing him because I THINK he wants it. He may deny it but he HAD rejected me before. He starts to crack jokes or he just doesn't kiss back and I'm like WTF??? So I don't do that again so as not to make him uncomfortable. That fucking jack fuck coward mother fucker. He does want to fuck his mother though. She's 37 and when he was 18 he had an affair with a 30 yr old. He kept trying to get me to be a cougar but you know what? I'm fucking 20. Let me be that young hot babe. I'm too young and too pretty to be tied down to some do-nothing loser who is going to drag me down and keep me stoned, orgasmed, and doing nothing with my life.

I broke up with him because I used to have potential. I used to be going somewhere. I couldn't jsut throw my life away or struggle as much as I was going to simply to drag him along behind me. No. I deserve better.


List three things you associate with me.
I have:
1. Cats
2. David Bowie
3. Keith and the Girl

You wanna know something? He wants to shoot cats with airsoft guns. He only likes Bowie while tripping but would scowl if I ever talked to him about Bowie. I get that nobody else likes KaTG but seriously? At least Fuji, the cock sucker, had respect for it because he saw what an awesome person it made me.

I am amazing. I have amazing friends. I am far too smart and too noble for my own good and I have my friends to thank for a lot of that.

My friends who suffered through hard break ups showed me how to respect the person I used to love so I was able to come out on top of this the fair and just way.

My friends who helped me grow up kept my brain active with our crazy discussions so I can process information in a very intelligent way. Thank you!

It pisses me off that he was willing to hurt me so badly. But maybe he can forgive himself someday by knowing that I figured everything out before him and he was lucky to have me.

Gah. Break ups are hard. Dena, how did you do this twice already? I see how smart you were with Van though. You were smart but not shut off. I'm glad you didn't get more hurt. <3 But I'm still willing to take out any of your ex's if you want. ^_^

I miss New York.
( In which I miss New York in the fall, my friends from home, and thunder storms. )
( In which I miss the intellectuals I have loved. My fellow BHSEC-ers and Justin. )
"We talk to each other like equals; but equals who recognize each other's differences and realize that there is stuff we can learn from each other because of those differences. But we can both hold our own in discussions and arguments because there's no feeling that one of us is inferior in terms of intelligence and logic."

( My story about Henry who is crazy and his friend Tommy.  )

Any suggestions?

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the use of ADD/ADHD meds with college students. This is what I have to say on the issue.

I am an anthropology major at the University of Hawai'i. I love human stories and I love that I can graduate in the fall and still have my options open for the future. I would work better in a smaller, liberal arts school but I wanted to use my early college credits from Bard and graduate in two years. As much as academia stifles my creativity, it’s not as bad as art departments. I am creative because I love the way my mind works and I can’t stand being forced to make art for homework and draw in the way somebody says is right to draw.

The point was made that I might as well be smoking crack for all the harm I do to my body with ADD/ADHD drugs. I understand the point trying to be made, but it is flawed. The FDA had approved the pills for the way I use them –after enough sleep I take one in the morning and one in the afternoon. When I don’t eat right of I don’t have to motivation to work in the first place I crash hard or make posts like the one this stems from. Crack is a recreational drug that I've seen ruin lives. The meth that is used in my pills IS meth. It too should not be taken recreationally.

I have a disorder that keeps me from functioning on the same level as other kids. Years ago, the Department of Ed noticed that, while I was bright and attentive, I showed signs of ADD. They sent me to a specialist, Thomas E. Brown, and with his help we found a way to fix many of the problems on my IEP with a simple pill. He came to visit my school recently and really opened my eyes to my disorder. I learned that this is not my fault and that there are other people who have suffered in the same manner I have my whole life.

My parents know what I do with the pills. In high school they made sure I always had a full supply and that I took it in the morning. I discussed my switch from Concerta to Adderall with both parents before going to the doctor. I was on the phone with my mom the first time I took it and she noticed it kicking in and sent me to work. I know I abuse it a little during finals because they make it possible for me to set study hours that actually work for me and my distractions.

I don't care what it does to my body. It’s FDA approved and it places me on the same level as other kids. I've been taking Concerta since 2003 and it kills my personality but without it I spend my whole test time thinking about time-traveling to great wars to give the soldiers socks. I switched to Adderall this semester because of the way I freak out on Concerta and lose all my friends. Adderall allows me to keep my creativity and sanity while maintaining the properly developed executive functions I lack naturally.

Taking ADD meds when you don’t have ADD is cheating. By having this disorder as well as other learning disabilities I always felt behind in my classes. I went to a high school for super smart kids but I had to sacrifice my IEP to go there. I believe that if I work my brain more and harder, I can be the top of my class even though I have these issues. Is that serious amount of stress really worth it? Is the hating myself for not being able to focus and write my paper even though I spend hours brainstorming worth it? The pills make it possible for me to put forth the same amount of work as normal kids do to get the same grades. When my normal peers take it, it pushes them forward and gives them extra inspiration to go forth and prosper. I need to get inspired naturally just like the rest of the world; but no matter how interested I am in something, one random thought will stray into my mind and I am lost.
I wish I could go without. I have tried to go cold turkey on them and it doesn’t work. I can’t take notes without it. I sit in class and enjoy the lecture and write and draw and believe that I am listening to my professors, but the second I leave the classroom, all I learned goes out of my head. If I could focus and get through the day like a normal person, without taking my “brain pills” regularly, I would be overjoyed. I suffer with this disorder but I find ways to deal with it. I have to plan my whole life based on whether or not I will be capable of focusing without my meds. I have a disability that I’m sick and tired of triumphing over.

How can I defend something that is so easy to get yourself diagnosed with? Give a list of ADD symptoms to anybody and they will identify with most of what is there. But give a list of bipolar symptoms to someone and the same thing can happen. The difference between identifying with the symptoms but not really caring and identifying and almost crying because you’re so relieved that you’re not stupid or crazy—that there is a reason you aren’t all you know you can be. I read T. E. Brown’s lecture and was deeply impacted. Not because “oh cool! I can get some pills that will help me study!” but because I learned that I am not the only one; that I can be intelligent and passionate and still fail because the connections in my brain couldn’t develop properly.

The people who use it to get ahead and balance school and social life and to give themselves extra inspiration give the pills a bad name. Their cheating clouds the minds of onlookers and ignores the fact that ADD is a serious problem affecting many people. I am not going to explore the sick mindset of our culture that idolizes maladies at this time. I just wanted to defend my use, and the use of all others who actually suffer from this disorder, of Adderall, Concerta, Ritilin, Strattera, and all other ADD/ADHD drugs.

Thank you.

I moved out of 3.14 and into 414. It's nice being in a rational room. My roommate moved out yesterday so now I have a single ^_^. The guys down the hall are nice. I'm friends with Justin again. And I'm a vindictive bitch to Fuji and can play him like an instrument. Haha. Fucker deserves it.

Home and cold with so many stories to tell.

I'm not feeling so nice anymore.

=best news ever. It even made Justin's day. ^_^

There was so much to write about. How tired I was.  My new bike adventure. Etc. But Now I'm tired. Sooo tired. I woke up at seven this morning and hiked diamond head. I then went to the farmers market. At 11 I showered and went to work. I ate lunch at five. Around eight a marine asked me to the movies. At nine I went to dinner with dad. Now I am going to sleep because I have work at 7 am. It's rediculous. cashier training. Kill me now.
Anyway...
Dad's hotel was nice. I need to ell you about the $82 steak I ate.

<3 boys who ask me out.

xanga just e-mailed me. Holy fuck that was weird. I was weird....wow.

yeah.

I went to safeway today. <3 the simple sandwich. Will take one to work tomorrow.

I can has job?

Yes! I can has job! and we celebrate!

Roommate too?

Yes! Roommate can has job as well!

Double the celebrations!

We never see nother again.

I now be at retail job at corperate America (Old Navy) and she be givin out teh cancer (no, not diet soda plant, she be at tanning salon).
she says "hey nigga get in here. yo bitch ass about to get some cancer."

Other news, the girl in 908 killed herself Monday night. I am in 902. Everybody was sad. I won't tell you what I was thinking about...I can has filter? Yes, yes I can; and so can you...Justin and I left D-lounge group therapy early and had dinner together. We can be friends? No, am getting over him.

This is the letter in the shape of a flower I wrote justin Monday before I called him. On the back it says "To fix something that's broken."

The world has gone to fuck. Seriously. I'm fucking multiple personalities dipshit.
I said to myself "don't do to justin what you did to eve."
I fucking told myself not to do it. I even told justin in the letter I wrote him in the shape of a flower that I was NOT going to do to him what I did to eve.
And then I fucking did it.
"Justin," I said. "I don't think we should talk anymore."
"Alright. See you around," said he.
I mean what the fuck.
This whole time I was sitting in the zen garden. and i put my head between my knees and cried and screamed "I hate you! I hate you!" at myself.

Giving up boys for lent is harder than it seemd at first. Hooked up with Travis last night. He said he was dumping his girlfriend for me...I said it was alright, he didn't have to. We'll see what happens.

I went to Catholic church with Zahrah today. It was nice to hear real prayers at a real service. Stupid Campus Crusade for Christ crap.. We got ashes. I decided to give up binge eating (I don't eat for a while then I eat too much...so no eating too much), seconds (eating too much, must suffer. It is lent), and boys. Basically I'm going to be less slothful and gluttonous and I'll only lust after two boys (I think you can guess who).. Abby Waltz laughed when I told her I was giving up boys. And Bentley pretended that I was talking about him when I was talking about the boy here who I'm not giving up.

I considered giving up sweets and fats...but Isa's coming soon and we need to eat Malasadas.
I considered giving up drinking because Justin thinks I've been drinking too much...but there's a big party this weekend that Travis actually told me about.

Maybe I'll give up Justin too. Our relationship has been strained since Zach died. I think it's because I didn't tell him. He thinks it's because I've been depressed and resorting to alcohol to ignore my feelings. I, however, think that he just hasn't had time for my feelings since he's been trying to get back together with laura...or something like that.

This turned out way too long.

Travis told me at dinner last Wednesday. I haven't been quite the same since. We had a little service and then an Irish funeral (drinking to his memory until it doesn't hurt anymore).

01/26/2008

Officials identify body of missing college student

By: Jamie Nash , Courier staff

But on Jan. 5, while home for Christmas break, he walked out of his parents' house on Brook Forest Drive in the Forest Hills subdivision off of FM 1488 and seemed to vanish into thin air.
But when survey crews discovered a body behind the Glen Eagles subdivision off of Texas 242 near Interstate 45 Jan. 18, there were concerns it was Carpenter.
Those fears proved true Friday, when the Montgomery County Sheriff's Office reported that the Southeast Texas Forensic Center in Conroe had determined the remains were Carpenter.
He died from a gunshot wound to the head, according to the Sheriff's Office release.
Lt. Dan Norris confirmed a gun was found near the body but said a final ruling of suicide had not been made as of Friday afternoon.
Carpenter's parents filed a missing person report with the MCSO after he failed to return home Jan. 6. Family and friends began to scour the area and post fliers asking anyone who saw Carpenter to call the Sheriff's Office or the family. They also ran ads in the newspaper, but nothing produced results.
Among those waiting in anguish was Carpenter's best friend, Josh Fasnacht. The pair met in Junior ROTC at Conroe High School.
"I've only known him since my freshman year, but it seems like forever," Fasnacht said.
In addition to JROTC, the friends shared their love of videogames, which they played for hours on the computer.
When Carpenter disappeared, he and Fasnacht had plans related to a new videogame that was about to debut. They spent a week of the break together before Fasnacht briefly left to visit his mom in Tennessee.
"When I came back and called, he didn't sound well - he was upset," Fasnacht said.
Two days later, Carpenter's sister called to say he was missing.
He said he would remember his friend as someone with a great mind who always put the needs of others before his own.
As part of the JROTC program, Carpenter participated in numerous charity events, including the HOG Toy Run and repainting the Veterans of Foreign Wars' hall.
"Whatever anyone needed, if he could do it, he did," Fasnacht said.

He was one of the poeple I was most looking forward to seeing. He was the best hug here. Everytime I saw him he would smile, swipe his bangs to the side, and hug me.

I still need to clean my room. It's a mess. Once I do I will look into buying a small sewing machine. I'm hungry.

On Saturday I went to the farmer's market of Hawaii and it was amazing! There was food!!! Then we climbed up Diamond Head which had amazing views and was super fun to climb. It was like *Untouched Green* followed by *Startling Blue* and then *Hotels*!!!

So Then we went to Waikiki which was cold. Swam a little. I got back to my dorm and had to do laundry before I showered so that I could not be naked. But I had no clothes to wear before I showered. So I just put a loose, white, boatnecked shirt over my swimsuit and walked upstairs to do laundry. So many people stared and laughed with me. It was fun.

laura and Justin came over that night and we played true colors until four.

Went to Waimea Bay. Was AMAZING!!! So clear and blue!! ANd warm!!